I May Need Help

I should seriously stop listening to emo songs because they depress me.

What is this song?!

Ok I am apparently listening to Can You Help Me by Usher.

I've been feeling worn out these days. Physically, emotionally, mentally, whatever. I'm not sure. All I know is, this year so far all I've been feeling is tired and weary. All I want to do is sleep. It's like I have to keep waking up for some reason or worse, none at all. It could be to send my sister to work. Or to go to class. Or to rush to work. Or just waking up for no reason at all and having to lie there staring at the ceiling trying to figure out where the hell I'm going.

I'm feeling desperate for something, but I don't know what.

Companionship. Friends. Time. Intimacy. Freedom. Money. Achievement. Success. Love. Happiness. Hope. Innocence.

It could be one of them. It could be every one of them.

Sometimes I think I emit this same desperation in waves, and that is why people tend to stay away from me. I know people, but I call very few of them my friends.

I like to think that I have this knack of psycho-analysing people's traits and characters. And I used that on myself.

I realised that I may have some intimacy issues. I don't like letting people get too close. It's probably why I crack so many stupid jokes to make people laugh. It's a safe way for me to be liked, but not letting them get too close. It's also probably why I empathise with people. Why I can be such a fake, two-faced hypocrite.

Sad reality, but I know deep down it's true. Did you guys suspect that about me? I don't know why I'm saying all this but I'm just so so so tired of carrying this facade sometimes. So afraid of treading on people's toes. So afraid of losing friends. So afraid of not being liked by people that I like, or love, even.

Dang, I do need help.

xoxo bella