Reality Bites, Chews And Spits You Out

Is it that I'm so tired that my brain can't digest anything? I can't help but feel awake for the first time in days. And I feel clearheaded.

The past week I feel like I've just been biding my time. Just blindly following orders. Why? I still don't really know how to do anything after one whole week already.

What is true strength?

How can one truly be strong?

I've never actually prided myself as a strong person. But I've never thought of myself as weak.

But these days I've been plagued by doubts about myself, about my capabilities, my aptitude for learning...

How strong can I be that I can be so easily upset and that new, sometimes upsetting, experiences can make me doubt myself?

I know I've never been a genius or anything... but I never thought that I was stupid.

Am I?

I hate feeling useless. I've never experienced such misery as I've been through recently... It was a feeling of despair. Hopelessness. Inadequacy.

Dread. Panic.

I experience it every morning when I wake up.

I miss my boyfriend. I have not seen him in over a week. Mostly because I'm usually too tired to go out at night.

Sad thing is, he doesn't seem to care anymore. It does not help me feel better.

He doesn't care anymore. That likely revelation brings me down all the time. I know I'm probably over-thinking again.

I've never missed him so much. Am I missing him more because I need him to distract me from my depression? Or do I truly miss him as a person, a companion? Or are they one and the same?

I get hit by a strong sense of longing whenever something, no matter how random, reminds me of him.

I just realised one thing that came out of work: I'm able to type faster now with less typos.

Everyone tells me it's normal to be clueless the first time you start work. But is it the case this time? Or is it me that really can't grasp the inner workings of a business?

It kind of opened my eyes. What do I really want to be in the future?

I don't feel like I belong there. You know me. I'm happy just bumming around. I guess I'm just a lazy laid-back person.

I don't know... I don't know I don't know I don't know where I'm going... I can't wait to go back to UBD. Where I can feel semi-normal again. But even that is over-shadowed by the fact that he will be gone by then.

I'm watching Kyle XY. Ok ok technically Sharon passed it to me so that I can lend it to Tzen, but I haven't seen her and I've got nothing to watch. Asides from Lost, but it's incomplete and I like to watch in marathons! I don't care what you say Ryan, it's seriously more fun that way. *blows raspberry*

But I just wanted to watch because I was curious about it. The only thing I knew of the show was that Kyle had no bellybutton. And that he was some kind of genius or something.

Well so far so good. I'm convinced that Kyle's an alien/alien experiment/clone as a result of government testing.

Aw. Poor Kyle. He has no family, no memory, and no bellybutton.

Tsk tsk.

Anyway, I wanna go to sleep soon because I don't wanna be tired and brain dead for work tomorrow. Fck! I feel awake!!! It's like a lose-lose situation!!!

DAMMIT I HATE MY HEAD! Only useless things stick in there. Gawd.

I'd like to note that I dislike condescending people. Yup. Also I hate rude bitches. Random bitching. Heh.

Shit there's something wrong with my Live Messenger. CB. Why is my contact list not available. Sial... Cannot sign in.

I need a dose of reality.