sigh

STUPID STUPID STUPID

HOPELESS USELESS OHF:LIHDKSBGFUGADGFSOILAHL:HF:KHA


ps: results are out.

:(

Hello all.

Yes I am awake at this time. I'm not too sure why but I haven't been able to sleep last night either. I went to bed at 11ish, woke up at around 1am, and couldn't get back to sleep. Same thing tonight.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. We're going to have a crash course in Biz Tax because we're running out of time, so starting Monday, we'll be having classes EVERYDAY (and I really mean everyday, Monday through Sunday). No more free Wednesdays. 8am to 4pm. I want to cry. 22 chapters left to cover in three weeks :S

I'm wondering how to juggle that and revise for the exams as well..... plus the fact that I have three core papers in three days ain't helping. Why does this semester suck! WHY!

Also, I managed to catch a cold. I blame the weather. I mean it's hot as hell during the day and then it pours heavily in the evening. It's messed up. I'm feeling much better now though, I was feeling really crappy earlier and was sneezing non-stop. Thank goodness I'm feeling much better, cos this ain't the best time to get sick!! Grr.

Okay that is all.

xoxo bella

Shoot It's The Weekend Already

:(

End of mid-semester break. Although this has been the free-est that I've been during the break (usually I would be swamped with assignments and such) I've only had one assignment and we got it done earlier and it wasn't really that much anyway :S The next one is due in November, I should really take a look at it lol.

However I am worried because my courses this semester are all :S :S :S

TAXATION!! barely even started the course and I missed the second lecture (fourth overall but second USEFUL lecture that SOB I so hate that ohglkaksgainhgilm) I didn't even wanna miss it, but it's a long story and it makes me mad everytime I think of it. GRR! Fridays and Sundays no free time no more. Thank goodness for Wednesdays...... (No work, no classes, WHOOPEE!)

MAC!!! LKS chapters are alright. But Roly P's not so much. And I'm worrying because I really really need to get A's this semester so............. Which reminds me, I have replacement lecture this Monday.

FR!!!!! Since we were done with it early I think I'm probably gonna forget most of what we've done, PLUS!!! M's not here, so who are we gonna ask for help??? :( Not Roly P, that's for sure.

FM!!!! OMG! I am totally lost in this course.......... It's so hard......... I really need to read up on it, and test next week!!!! I'm so screwed :( Tzen, if you're reading this, WARGHHH!!! Bella, if you're reading this, get off your ass and study!

Spanish. CRAP! I forgot about the assignment. Will get it done tomorrow. lol.

Ok top things on my list:
1) Revising
2) Gymming

I think I'm gonna start being a loser loner :D (not that I have friends to hang out with anymore anyway :S HAHAHA!)

Okay see you guys next week, and hope you're enjoying your Raya ^^ I've gained weight :S lol.

Toodles!

xoxo bella

Journals Suck

HATE HATE HATE scouring through journal articles :(

And I hate emerald. Actually no, scratch that. Emerald is good.

Why do I feel like there are so many things to do? Why did I schedule three tutorials on the same day? GAH! *bangs head against the wall*

I hate taxation. I changed my mind. I don't want to migrate, I wanna stay in tax-free Brunei. LOL

I think I'm stressing myself out unnecessarily. I'm having trouble sleeping because I'm constantly worrying.

My sister flew off to Korea yesterday. This is one thing I malas wanna talk about. Only that the silly girl actually cried when we sent her off. I, heartless as I am, pointed at her and laughed. Ten days lah, not ten years! lol.


tax tax tax tax tax tax tax semua pun ada tax

Ok, I go now

xoxo bella

Gah

CRANKY! I'm so cranky!!!!!!

Hello people today I am a very angry Bella.

If I was a bitch to you today then...

Actually I'm not gonna apologise if I was. Because it wasn't an unreasonable bitchiness, only little nuisances seem to really set me off today, so HAHA serves you right for being a nuisance :D

Also you can blame the heat. And the fact that the stupid frickin airconditioning wasn't working. If I knew I wouldn't even have bothered taking a shower.

Headache now because it's so hot.

I don't know what to do now. I hate the fact that my timetable's like one lecture per day, WTF I feel so unproductive, and it depresses me to come home. I'd rather just have something to keep me busy all day.

I started this semester with NO expectations of a perfect timetable or a great lecturer. I think I'm used to having sucky timetables so I don't really bloody care when or what time my tutorial is. Whoopee if I get a good slot, whatever if I don't. Company Taxation doesn't seem easy, and wtf, did he say that he rarely gives B's, much less A's? Die lah, definitely cannot slack anymore. I'm actually worrying already. But I guess it's better than being all lackadaisical like I usually am. Though I might turn out that way later in the semester, but I've commisioned Mike Lee to give me a slap if I ever start getting lazy. So yay! HAHAHA

I'm rambling but I don't care :)

Spanish tomorrow, I'll get to see Dr Paolo again! YAY YAY YAY! Spanish is like a de-stress class for me! The only thing I actually feel motivated to do well in :D Not sure if Tzen is taking it this sem, she's all maxed out on units and I have no idea if the other people from last sem is still continuing but oh well. I'm in Intermediate Spanish, yo! But ask me to say something in Español and you'll see me opening and closing my mouth like a fish out of water lol. Oh well! Viva España! Random.

Oh right, I forgot to draw out a timetable thingy for my notebook har har. Ok I'll guess I'll do that now, and take a nap after that lalalala I didn't sleep well last night. HEHE, just like old times :)

bye bye you who bothered reading this!

xoxo bella

ps: I can't stand stupid smart people.

edit: Oh I forgot to say. Funny wah this Mike. The Taxation man was like saying,"I've got good news and bad news. Good news is, you are back. The bad news..." and Mike scribbled in his notepad and showed me: "Bad news is perut ku besar" LOL that made me laugh, it was so randomly mean! hehe.

BORED!: The Sixth

OMG OMG OMG OMG I can't SLEEP!

You'd think I'd be zonked out on my bed by now. I had work, and I went to gym. Actually the work was not exhausting (but it did cut into my sleeping time, I woke up at noonish rather than my normal 2 or 3pm :P HOLIDAYS WAH HOLIDAYS! I've been sleeping at 3ish and 4ish and I have to wake up to send my sister to work again and blahblahblahrandommeaninglessrant) but the gym!! I went to Body Jam for the first time since like NOVEMBER, and what the hell, the dance moves were practically the same!! But it did a number on me, I developed a stitch in my side and had to stumble outside to sit for a bit and then I got hungry, and then I just couldn't keep up so I just swayed from side to side while the others performed HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH but at least I lasted through the hour :D a few others couldn't take it and bailed midway ^^

Anyhoos, I came home around ten-ish and showered and went online. Chatted with Fairuz, Rinnayy and Scott!! Then the girls left and I started to get sleepy so I said I was turning in. "Early night for me!!" I said.

Yet here I am..... I made a hot drink but if anything I think that woke me up more. Paloi.

Oh and my back aches~

Whooopayyyy!!!!!!!

Darn, I thought I had something else to rant about. Hrmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh well. I haven't done one of my random long posts in a while anyway. HAHAHAHA.

What's small, black and sweaty?

An ant doing push-ups.

HEHEHEHEHEH I think I heard that one from Vis :D

OR!!! What's big, yellow and eats rocks?

A big and yellow rock-eater! That one from GP in Sixth Form. From She Who I Loathed or better known as She Who Loathed Me. harharharhar.

OH! HAHAHHAHAHA I remember what Ryan answered to that!!

What's big, yellow and eats rocks?
Ryan says: Miss Tham on a bulldozer

HAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAAHHA OMG SO FUNNY!

lalalalalalalalalalalalala

I finished "The Book Thief". It's quite good!! In the beginning it was so very confusing because of the way it was written but then it got really good in the middle. And it was SAD! I was reading it at work and I got to the really sad part in the end and I got teary and someone walked in and gave me a weird look.

MEH! I hate war :'(

Anyway now I'm currently reading "Crimes, Crooks and Corruption" (I think that is what it is called, not sure of the order of the words) I'm still in the front bit with all the bits of famous murderers. (It's non-fiction btw.) Quite interesting in some horrific way. So many sick people out there. And that book makes me feel so cynical/jaded. hehehehe

Hmm. I think I wanna read it now.

Which means this post has ended.

Goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeee

xoxo bella

Blind As A Bat

... yessirree bob I am as blind as a bat. Well, at least bats have those ultrasonic thingamajigs that they emit so they know when there's something in their way. Plus they can fly. What can I do besides walk into a wall.

lol.

Seriously I think the degree in my left eye has increased because I now have trouble seeing at night (even during the day it bothers me) Anyway, I have to get my eyes checked but it's such a hassle, because you usually have to go without glasses/contacts for at least half an hour before they can get an accurate reading of your eyesight. So what, I walk to the mall blindly lah? Once I had to take off my contacts and walk around Seria town for 30 minutes. On the way someone waved to me and I had no idea who it was but I waved back.

"HELLO WEIRDLY SHAPED BLOB! LONG TIME NO SEE!!"

Grrrr. When I can afford it I wanna have Lasik surgery! But even then I must get over my fear of having something sharp near my eye. *squirm squirm* Can't they do it when I'm unconscious or something? lol. Just pry my eyelids open! I don't care! HAHAHA

Oh this Bali thing is giving me a headache. It's venting tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

COLOURS OF THE RAINBOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FYI, I don't know how Indigo looks like. I'm guessing it's either light blue or dark blue. Har har har.

Oh my eyes are tired from looking at the laptop screen. This can't be good for my eyes. lol. It's time to sleep. :D

xoxo bella

ps: I miss Tzen!

Fed Up

Sometimes there comes a point when the effect of every little sucky thing that happens just accumulates and you just wanna scream.

(I'm feeling very emo atm.)

I'm tired. I'm just freaking tired. All I wanna do is sleep till August. So I can have uni to take my mind away from the cesspool that is my life. They just keep saying, "It's gonna get better, it's gonna get better" but I've been hearing that for almost 2 years already. When are we gonna stop deluding ourselves?

I'm fed up with everything. I'm fed up with all my daydreams. I can feel myself sinking into my stupid '06 depression again.

I don't know. I need to get away. I wish...

I just hate that I feel like this sometimes. I just hate myself. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

Dammit. I know I can be so much more than what I am, but I keep screwing things up. Disappointing everyone, disappointing myself.

I hate that sometimes I feel obligated to act happy.

I think it's gonna get worse after I graduate and get a job. (And this is IF I manage to graduate with an upper-second class degree.)

Hate life.

EDIT:: 25/5/2008

I'm happy again. A good cry solves all. I want a hug. HINT HINT NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK

xoxo bella

ps: Also having constant bad hair days. :(

:(

I hate my Company Accounting book.

That... that... book of evil!

It's so full of jargon. Accounting is bad enough without confusing us with all your big words, damn you!! If distributable reserves equate to retained earnings, why not use 'retained earnings' you biatchhhh!!!!

BLAH!

Yes, I agree with Alyaa when she says it's so not 'user-friendly'. PALOI!

xoxo bella

>:(

*ahem*

Accounting..................................................

suckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssucks
suckssuckssuckssuckssuckssucks

suckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssucks
suckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssucks
suckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssucks
suckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssucks



suckssuckssuckssuckssucks

suckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssuckssucks

sucks.

sucks

/end vent

.....

lol, ok just letting off some steam. It ain't that bad. This is just the aftermath of attempting the Company Accounting assignment.

xoxo bella

ps: EXAMS IN 10days!!!!!

Where The Fun?

My blog has really gone down the drain hasn't it? I was going through my archives and I realised that it has gone from semi-entertaining to just plain boring.

What do what do?

You know, I always end up playing the role of the peacemaker. I hate conflicts and arguments and fights and tension and discomfort and what-else-the-thesaurus-may-come-up-with. It seems like I always have this urge to calm the atmosphere and act neutral.

It sucks, because I always feel the pressure to remain on the fence and not say anything negative about either side.

They say Libras are good are looking at the whole picture. They must be right. (fyi, I'm a Libra. The scales. Having the ability to balance both sides.)

----

Everyone seems to be annoying me lately. I guess I'm feeling irritable, but everyone seems to really have the ability to push my buttons easily.

Selfish

Stop doing things for yourself only and letting me everyone else scurry around and trying to juggle everything. Wouldn't kill you to lend a helping hand once in a while.

Arrogant

Get your head out of your ass and realise that you might not be better than me. And I might, and this may be hard to comprehend, but I just MIGHT know as much stuff as you do. I'm so sorry that I may seem like a phillistine once in a while, dammit.

LAZY LAZY LAZY

(*^&^$%#%$# For fck's sake. I just... God, I don't know.

/vent

So annoyed.

----

On a lighter note, I've managed to squeeze three visits to the gym this week.

*dances around*

I'll try to go more frequently next week. Have to go during mornings since I'm working at night, damn it all.

Who wants to go with me?! PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I want a buddy to go during mornings 'cause I don't really wanna be alone in the classes. It would be pretty obvious if I can't keep up and stop to take a break. Which I always do. =(

OH speaking of gym, I went to Yoga the other night with Ryan. This girl just basically folded herself in half and like managed to raise her legs and bend them over so that her feet were on the floor behind her head. Okay wait lemme give you a visual.


LOL seriously that's how our faces looked like. Never seen it done so effortlessly. Then she rolled herself so that she was back on her feet.

I WANT ALSO. Can you imagine what I can do with such flexibility???

I'll let your imaginations run free with that statement. :D

xoxo bella

Message To A Jerk

Yeah I'm talking to you, you SOB!

F- off how dare you walk away and look past me like I never meant a thing to you. How old are we again? You stupid BOY. Yeah that's right I'm calling you a stupid boy, because you're terminally dumb and immature.

I get so angry thinking about it. Was that your new girlfriend? If she is, I am honestly shocked you managed to con someone else into being in a relationship with you. Run far far away girl!

I am so so so glad that you did me a favour and broke up with me. Even though it was for some shit reason that you were leaving the country, wtf are you doing here still terrorising Brunei?

For releasing me from your idiocy, thank you, but for everything else, f*ck you!

>=(

ps: I'm having a toothache right now so I'm extra cranky. Stupid wisdom tooth. I can only chew with my left side of my mouth and it's tiring so I'm mostly forgoing eating chewy stuff. Excellent diet tool, swollen gums.

EDIT :: (31/1/2008) aforementioned asshole in this post and mysterious person in previous post NOT the same person. Though now I'm not so sorry that I've met mysterious person. The same could not be said about asshole. And my gums are still swollen. Ice-cream you say, Vis? Awesome :D

I Wish...

.... that I've never met you.

The memory still haunts me to this day, bits and snippets, permeating into my dreams... You haunt me.

I never had you, so how can I miss something I never had?

xoxo bella

Angry!!

Angry!!!! I'm feeling angry angry angry!!!

Specifically at UBD. And at some of my lecturers (is the annoyment). And maybe at myself.

Why I am mad at:

1) UBD:

So bloody inefficient!! Totally not effective!!!!! Where my ID card leh?!?!? Why the juniors already got theirs? I am halfway through my second year!!! >=( (Actually I dunno why I'm feeling angry, but I just know I am mad at UBD.)

2) Some of my lecturers:

WHY GIVE SO MUCH ASSIGNMENTS SO CLOSE TO EXAMS?! ARGHHHH I can't sleep now because I'm just so worried. Exams, assignments, exams, assignments, presentations, blah blah.

3) Myself:

Still not motivated to do well. I dunno. And hating myself for being so lazy and not prepared for my exams.

Sigh. Anyhoo, enough ranting.

Again, sorry for not blogging much nowadays. Not much to blog about and it's all the same rants anyway. (This one ain't gonna be any different)

Feeling the stressssssssss

And I guess my Sunday night/Monday morning insomnia is back. Whoopee.

---

Halfway through the assignments but I'm majorly worried about English. The lecturer is a bit hard to please and I have no clue on how the progress is going on the work so I am just worried about it. WORRIED! ArGHHHHH

I think I will be fine by the time English presentation is done.

Then I'll only have FIS and the exams itself to worry about. MUST DO WELL THIS SEMESTER!

Ok ok, should I talk about something frivolous now?

Stardust is good!!! Well, I am a romantic so I'm always a sucker for happy endings and fairy tales but I still think it's good. I love Robert De Niro in there, and I think the cinematics were gorgeous. Bella recommends Stardust people!! Go watch it!

Or um, don't watch if you've got exams and assignments and stuff, lol.

I am totally crushing. Must work on subtlety.

Damn it.

I had this post I wrote out before but I didn't publish it, it was all about pessimism and optimism (shit I had trouble spelling those words). It's probably in drafts, shall look for it.... Ah here you go:

There is a thin line between pessimism and realism.

Pessimists will always think that they are being realistic. I am one of those. I think the term pessimism is just an illusion used to cloak the brutal truth.

What's the point of being an optimist anyway? "Always hope for the best"?

I mean, the way I see it, it is always safer to expect the worst. Why?

Well, obviously there can either be a good outcome and a bad outcome. So when you expect the worst, it's a win-win with either outcome.

Good outcome: You were expecting the worst and is pleasantly surprised.

Bad outcome: You get what you were expecting so there are no surprises or disappointments.

See? Win-win.

Does that make me sound cynical? Maybe.

---

Then I had a conversation with Tzen about that very thing after that. Talking with her sometimes depresses me because she can be so cynical sometimes. Why? (And I shall remove this if Tzen is displeased)

She does not believe in love. Well, long-lasting love anyway. She thinks it's just a temporary phase that will always fade away.

She thinks optimists are naive for a slightly different reason that I do. For her, it's because there's no point looking forward to happiness that's gonna be temporary. I think her words were like, "You get happy for a few seconds then what? Some shit happens. No point!"

I was all like =S and =/ after that.

---

*BIG BIG MAJOR BIG SIGH*

I very the stress. I think too much, but so many things are stressing and frustrating the hell out of me. Not my business also I stress. WHY AM I SO KAYPOH!? =(

Ok then I stop here lah. Sigh.....................................


=(

ps: Great. Now I have a headache.

Dammit

I'm so so tired.

Did not accomplish anything in the last 3 hours I was online supposedly working on my FIS assignment. No textbook= very very payah. Sigh.

I don't feel so great inside... In other words, I'm depressed again. There is a part of me that really wants to sleep and just not wake up tomorrow. A teeny part. Makes me feel guilty for being so selfish.

I just feel sad.

And alone.

And empty.

Living a pointless, fruitless life.

I want Prozac.

Need happy pills.

Need therapy.

I want to stop feeling things. I want to be unfeeling for once.

Anyway. I'm really tired.

Screw you FIS. Screw you Accounting. Imma sleep now.

Nights.

Reality Bites, Chews And Spits You Out

Is it that I'm so tired that my brain can't digest anything? I can't help but feel awake for the first time in days. And I feel clearheaded.

The past week I feel like I've just been biding my time. Just blindly following orders. Why? I still don't really know how to do anything after one whole week already.

What is true strength?

How can one truly be strong?

I've never actually prided myself as a strong person. But I've never thought of myself as weak.

But these days I've been plagued by doubts about myself, about my capabilities, my aptitude for learning...

How strong can I be that I can be so easily upset and that new, sometimes upsetting, experiences can make me doubt myself?

I know I've never been a genius or anything... but I never thought that I was stupid.

Am I?

I hate feeling useless. I've never experienced such misery as I've been through recently... It was a feeling of despair. Hopelessness. Inadequacy.

Dread. Panic.

I experience it every morning when I wake up.

I miss my boyfriend. I have not seen him in over a week. Mostly because I'm usually too tired to go out at night.

Sad thing is, he doesn't seem to care anymore. It does not help me feel better.

He doesn't care anymore. That likely revelation brings me down all the time. I know I'm probably over-thinking again.

I've never missed him so much. Am I missing him more because I need him to distract me from my depression? Or do I truly miss him as a person, a companion? Or are they one and the same?

I get hit by a strong sense of longing whenever something, no matter how random, reminds me of him.

I just realised one thing that came out of work: I'm able to type faster now with less typos.

Everyone tells me it's normal to be clueless the first time you start work. But is it the case this time? Or is it me that really can't grasp the inner workings of a business?

It kind of opened my eyes. What do I really want to be in the future?

I don't feel like I belong there. You know me. I'm happy just bumming around. I guess I'm just a lazy laid-back person.

I don't know... I don't know I don't know I don't know where I'm going... I can't wait to go back to UBD. Where I can feel semi-normal again. But even that is over-shadowed by the fact that he will be gone by then.

I'm watching Kyle XY. Ok ok technically Sharon passed it to me so that I can lend it to Tzen, but I haven't seen her and I've got nothing to watch. Asides from Lost, but it's incomplete and I like to watch in marathons! I don't care what you say Ryan, it's seriously more fun that way. *blows raspberry*

But I just wanted to watch because I was curious about it. The only thing I knew of the show was that Kyle had no bellybutton. And that he was some kind of genius or something.

Well so far so good. I'm convinced that Kyle's an alien/alien experiment/clone as a result of government testing.

Aw. Poor Kyle. He has no family, no memory, and no bellybutton.

Tsk tsk.

Anyway, I wanna go to sleep soon because I don't wanna be tired and brain dead for work tomorrow. Fck! I feel awake!!! It's like a lose-lose situation!!!

DAMMIT I HATE MY HEAD! Only useless things stick in there. Gawd.

I'd like to note that I dislike condescending people. Yup. Also I hate rude bitches. Random bitching. Heh.

Shit there's something wrong with my Live Messenger. CB. Why is my contact list not available. Sial... Cannot sign in.

I need a dose of reality.

i am too lazy to think of a proper title

Helloo...

It seems like forever since I've last blogged.

How am I coping with work so far? Ok I guess? I am a noob when it comes to work, so I guess it's no surprise that I'm a bit blur blur in the workplace.

Work and study like night and day. I like night better than day. Just like I think I prefer studying to work.

But I'm gonna have to work sooner or later, so might as well right? I just have this niggling fear that I'm one of those people who are basically incompetent at work. Does everyone get that when they first start working?

A message to certain individuals who I am very very very annoyed at:

-Get off my back, we can't all be geniuses.
-I am allowed to have a life aren't I?
-I am PMSing. Therefore cranky and moody and depressed.
-Emotional blackmail is a very bad thing.
-Ok now I'm just going off topic again.

Anyway I'm not in the best of moods. A long week stretches before me, and I am already looking forward to the weekend. (Miri?)

Anyhoo I'll just talk about my first day at work. Second day and third day not very eventful.

I'll just sum it up this way:

Arrived at work. Full of anticipation. It went away when I was shown what I was supposed to be doing.

First 10min:.....
First 15min: WTF
After 30min: Seriously, wtf?
First hour: I was giving the door longing glances, I WANNA GO BACK HOME AND SLEEP IN MY COMFY BED
Second hour: Seriously, can I go home?
Third hour: I need a drink
Fourth hour: I really really really need a super strong drink.
Thirty minutes to 12: Is it lunch yet?
11.55: Oh God can I go now?
12.00: *vanishes in a cloud of dust*

Sigh. It has gotten better though.. But I still am clueless. I'm having panic attacks everyday before I go to work.

Anyway... I'm feeling lethargic... lazy... fed up... Nites all.

ps: I miss bumming around and sleeping in. And I miss him.

pps: OMG I am so pissed off at Blogger. STUPID!!!!!! Want to blog also payah!

Death By Moodiness

Is there such a thing as Post-Menstrual Syndrome? Because if there is, then that would explain what I've just been through.

I wondered why my PMS this month wasn't as bad as usual.

Usual PMS-ing Bella:
-cranky
-major depression
-major zit outbreak
-horrible mood swings, as in =) -> =( -> =) -> =( -> =D -> >=( -> T.T

Heheh okay I kinda went overboard with the emoticons there but you catch my drift.

Anyway so when my period finally came around, it surprised me, because my usual emotional depression episodes hasn't happened yet. Which came as a relief, because honestly, all those emotions can be exhausting. I did get a really really horribly bad back cramp, which was actually why I had trouble sleeping last Saturday night (refer to previous post)

So my period usually lasts a week, so I was happily looking forward to it ending.

Tuesday I woke up feeling like I had nothing to live for. Basically my mindset was, What's the point? There is nothing for me in this world, blah blah blah. And I seriously cannot figure out what triggered this depression. At least I didn't mope around the house that day, I went up to Bandar with Tzen instead.

Checked out Supp list at UBD.... (Yay we're not on it) Had lunch. Then we couldn't figure out where to go so we went back to KB and hung out at Ryan's.

This was already in the afternoon and my depression has NOT gone away. I even cried a little when I was at Ryan's place.

Distracted ourselves by playing Dirty Scrabble. What is Dirty Scrabble? Just basically Scrabble except your words have to be of a sexual nature. Which is really much more challenging that ordinary scrabble really. Words such as rod, pole, wet and turdz came up. Yes turdz. Oh, and let's not forget arf. Hahah that was fun. I think if a sane person walked into that room, he would be extremely confused. Especially by the arf.

Oh I've digressed haven't I? Basically I was frickin depressed lah. And it still has not gone away. Actually I started to feel better this afternoon. But then I got my exam results. Then I went back to feeling crappy and worthless again.

Blah. Oh and my boyfriend usually gets the worst of my moods. Right now silent treatment again. Haha.

I miss Bandar. That 6 o'clock curfew seriously better not happen.

You know what I realised about myself? I am such a dramatic person. Why is that?

I usually make a big deal out of something that's not so life-shattering. Why lah? I really hate myself sometimes oh. Sigh. Sometimes I hear myself whining and I get annoyed at myself. Why hasn't anyone slapped me silly already? Why does anyone put up with my shit? Honestly, people. *glares*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. omg I crack myself up.

ps: My exam results sucked la. SUCKED ASS TOTALLY and I have no one else to blame but MYSELF as I am a stupid stupid moody girl. LOL

Vent

You know what sucks? Being unjustifiably accused.

I absolutely hate it that when I am being honest, I am accused of lying. It's not like I'm a saint. I do lie. But I don't enjoy it. And I haven't told a huge white lie in a while.

But I have been accused of lying, like when I go out and say I'm going out with this person, I get: "You better be going out with whoever you SAY you're going out with." WTF? I don't use other people's names ok. When I lie, I don't implicate others.

I also hate hypocrites.

You freaking lie to everyone all the time, even your own siblings what. And don't think I don't know what the hell you've been thinking/saying about me. I've lived with you for almost two decades, I know how your mind works. When you try to insinuate double meanings, it just pisses me off. I am being upfront with you right now. I am telling you I am going out with my boyfriend for dinner. The next day I tell you I'm going out with two girlfriends. And you say, You say you go out with them, you don't make any detours ah. HEY, who the hell do you think I am? Wasn't I honest the night before? Why would I lie some more? Why are you so damned suspicious of me? I don't hang out with the wrong crowd. I get good grades. Fuck lar. I don't deserve this kind of treatment.

I am so damn pissed off right now. Is it any wonder that I'm fucked up? EEEE. CB banar.

Okay I'm trying to calm down.

---

Let me tell you about my little adorable niece. She's so mischievous, and damned entertaining.

Last night, we had a dinner at my aunt's place, because relatives from Labuan were visiting. One of my nieces from Labuan, Adrianne, was playing with my other niece(who's Bruneian), Melvina, who we all call Girl.

Anyway, Adrianne has this Barney backpack that Girl likes. So she was sort of hogging it and pretending it was hers by wearing it around her house. At first both girls were giggling happily. But Adrianne got upset when Girl refused to return the backpack to her. Adrianne started crying. Loudly.

Adrianne: WaAaaaaaaa!!!! *bawling*
Girl: ??? (clueless as to why Adrianne was crying)
Girl's mother: Nahhhh you see she cry already. You made her cry... Boooohh...
Girl: *points to Adrianne* Nangis?
Girl's mother: Yeah... give back the bag, Adrianne nangis already.
Girl: *stares in confusion at everyone*
Girl's mother: Give back bahh
Girl: *gives back the Barney backpack*
Adrianne: *clutches onto the purple bag, still crying*
Girl: *peers in worry at Adrianne because she was still crying*
Girl: *yells at top of her voice* TEACHER!!!!! SOMEBODY CRY!!!!
Girl's mother: Eh where got teacher here
Girl: *spots my uncle* TEACHERRRR SHE CRY!!!
Uncle: Ha?
Girl: *addresses my dad* SOMEBODY CRY!!
Dad: Ha? Who cry?

Everyone laughs. Girl, who delights in laughter, joins in.

Adrianne stops crying, sniffling.

Girl: *pats Adrianne on the head* Ok?
Adrianne: *nods*
Girl: *puts palm out* Bag?

HAHAHAHAHHAHA so cute one that girl. I wanna have a daughter just like her, difficult, but damned funny and adorable.

ps: I dreamt of the stupid monitor lizard two nights ago!!!! In my dream it jumped onto my car ahhhh!! AND I saw another monitor lizard today!! OMG they're everywhere!!!!

(Insert Swear Word Here)!!!!!!!!

GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell!

I am pissed off!! (Eh btw, is it wrong to say "I'm pissed"? I used to leave the "off" out until I realised I might only be saying that I'm drunk..)

Anyway, back to me being pissed (off).

One 1.5litre Coke bottle. And that's Coke with a zest of Lime too! Wow.

One thirsty Bella, who feels like drinking something gassy fizzy, refreshing and cold.

Fizzy=Coke.
Refreshing=something with zesty lemon taste=Coke Lime.
Cold= Coke Lime from the fridge.

I took the full, unopened Coke bottle from the fridge. I attempted to open it.

No go. Covered my hand with a cloth for a less painful way to open the damned thing. Still no go.

WTF. I want Coke and I want it now!!!!

Twist. Twist twist some more. I stopped and looked at my reddened palm. Ow.

I went to kitchen and got a knife. The bottle cap was like freaking melded to the mouth of the bottle ya.

Minutes later, a mutilated Coke bottle cap later. Even though I managed to cut into the notch which is supposed to separate easily btw, the damn thing still won't open!!! MELDED I TELL YOU MELDED. I wanted to actually stab the bottle and drink from the hole for a second. CB bottle. My sister would kill me though. Who knows, maybe she'll have better luck opening it.

So where does that leave me?

One unhappy, cranky Bella with her left palm stinging, drinking ORANGE JUICE. Pissed off I am. Nasty aftertaste I have in my mouth. I mean, I don't mind orange juice and all, but I wanted Coke... *cries*

Also, screw bellatitis. It sucks. I wanted to blog and opened the window and all. But when I wanted to start typing, somehow these stupid fingers pressed a particular combination of key which closed the window. Leaving me stupidly thinking, Hey... where'd it go??

Stupid. PO'd I definitely am. Sakit my tangan. PALOI. I'm feeling diva tantrum worthy again.

Also, I'm allergic to cats.

And I'm missing people who I have not seen in a while.

I cranky again.