Mwarrr~

Oh gawd, I'm in emo mode again.

To avoid ranting, I shall post here my depressing songs playlist. Harhar. I am listening to it right now. =)

Bella's Emo Playlist

In God's Hands by Nelly Furtado
- A break up song, about a couple whose love has faded away. Enough said.

I'm Not An Addict by Jane's Addiction
- I've liked this song since I heard it performed by Zayra on RockStar Supernova, it's (from what I can understand) about a drug addict in denial? Not wanting to admit his bad habit, not wanting to give it up.. "It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive.."

Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton
- I hate this song. I truly do. It gets me down everytime I hear it, and somehow most of the stores I walk into seem to love playing it over their sound systems. Cilaka. This is unconfirmed, but someone told me that Eric Clapton wrote it for his son(?) who committed suicide. Malas wanna Wiki it to see whether it's true or not.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie
- This song just hits me somehow, I don't even know what it's about, but it's one of my favourite songs.

What Sarah Said by Death Cab For Cutie
- It's about someone who's losing a loved one to death. A line from the song which I found to be beautiful, "Love is watching someone die..." That's what Sarah said anyway. =P

When Somebody Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan
- For one second, IGNORE the fact that it's taken from the soundtrack of Toy Story 2. I think the song is about losing that feeling of being loved, that everything was perfect, and you were safe. "When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful.."

Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot & Jars of Clay
- I'm not sure whether the artist is right, because it doesn't really sound like Switchfoot, but anyway. This song sums up how I feel when I'm at my lowest. Lost, alone, defeated. "I'm a plane in the sunset, with nowhere to land.."

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore by James Morrison
- I don't think this is especially depressing, but it's at the top of my favourite songs to listen to now. I think it's about giving up on a relationship that's just not working anymore, hence, "There's no use in trying when the pieces don't fit anymore.."

Silence by Jay Chou
- SHADDUP just cause I'm a banana, it doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good emo song. I mean even without knowing what he's saying you can tell it's sad right? Anyhoo, it's about a guy who's willing to let the girl he loves be with someone else, because he loves her that much. Blah. Jay Chou before he became such a movie whore. LOL. Ok lar sorry Jay Chou fans. I used to be one of you too.

24 by Switchfoot
- I still have no idea what this song is about. Which is why it's an emo song. It makes you think, dammit. And nothing good ever comes out of thinking.

Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk
- I dunno.

Missing by Evanescence
- Evanescence is the synonym for depressing.

The Ghost Of You And Me by BBMak
- Another break up song.

Anyway, that's all I've got. You can try downloading them if you need to feel like shit. LOL. I think everyone needs a good soundtrack when they're wallowing in self-pity.

Anyhoo, I feel hungry.

Why You Should Do What You Should Do

Ignore the post title, it's very random. I'm supposed to be doing my laundry but I feel so lazy.

I'll do it later. Oh shit it looks like rain.

I'm starving.

I serious forgot what I wanted to blog about. I think it was something angst-y. But I'm kinda sick of that.

Once in a while I like to write down random short stories. I miss English. I mean my secondary English not this boring English for Business shit I have to do now which is freaking B-O-R-I-N-G.

I've been listening to emo/depressing songs. I dunno. Been feeling very blah lately.

Joined Fitness Zone. I don't know why the endorphins aren't working. They're supposed to make you feel good and happy right? But I only feel good in the sense of, "YES DIE FATS AND CALORIES DIE!" rather than a 'happy-for-my-life' happy. But anyhoo I'm glad that I'm getting some form of physical workout. I am so freaking out of shape. Today is the first in days that my body doesn't exactly ache all over. Of course I'm going again tonight so that might change. Third time in a week! Just imagine the effects after a month! =D

DIE FATS DIE!

Wrote this in my notebook one late night.

---Untitled.

I put down my pen. The letter can wait. I turn to look out the window.

"Will he come back today?"

I sigh and finish my letter to my sister.

---

"Dear Lily,

It has been a while since your last letter. I was getting worried. Lil, can you please come visit us? You should get out of the house. I don't even remember the last time I saw you. You know that I love you, right? So please stop holding on. It's been almost a year. He may never come back. I hate that you're wasting your life away like this. Stop waiting. You're always welcome here. Billy's gotten big now and he says he's missed his Aunt Lily. Mark and I miss you too. Come home to us Lil.

Love,

Rose

---

I put down Rose's letter. I know that she only wants what's best for me.

But I have to wait.

---

I clean up the house. I replace the flowers in the vase on the kitchen table with freshly picked ones. White lilies. He planted them for me. They surround the house like a beautiful fence. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner within these walls. A prisoner condemned to a life of waiting. The surrounding white lilies as my noose.

---

I dream about him again.

We are in bed. He strokes my hair, telling me how much he loves me.

'I have to leave for a while,' he says. 'Why?' I whisper back.

'I have some place I have to be.'

'Where?'

'I can't say.'

He looks at me with an intense, fierce look. 'I'll come back. I promise, no matter how long, I will come back.'

I believe him. And he leaves.

I wake up from the dream crying.

---

I stroll along the beach. It is one of my favourite ways to pass time. I sit in the sand, watching the waves kiss the shores.

The waves approach slowly, then recede. Fleeting, soft, quiet. Like hope. Sometimes I don't know why I still hope.

I close my eyes and breathe in the salty air. I remain like that for a while. I open my eyes. Everything is still as it was. I don't know what I expected to see.

The sun is setting. I dust the sand of my dress and walk back to the house.

---

I wake from a dreamless sleep. The room is dark. I sense a familiar presence in the room.

Tears fill my eyes. 'Could it be? Or have I finally gone mad?'

Footsteps. The bed shifts on his side. And suddenly I am in his arms again. Finally.

He strokes my hair, just like that night, so long ago.

'I'm home,' he whispers.

We are both crying as he kisses me. That long-awaited kiss.

---

I know it's a bit vague, but I was more focusing on how someone can have hope and faith in something so obscure. Can you just wait for something that isn't even for sure? Maybe that's how I feel like in life. I'm waiting for something to happen, something that I don't even know for sure will happen.

I dunno. I'm too hungry to think.